7 Things I Learned From Adam Lambert
I’m Jillian Madison. And I hate Adam Lambert. I’ve hated him since his first screechy note during auditions, and I’ve hated him and his growing ego throughout each one of his overrated, overhyped, overglorified performances during the season.
However, since Idol ended last week, I’ve had some time to reflect and grow. And I’ve come to the realization that Adam Lambert isn’t all bad. He did teach me a few very important life lessons along the way:
You may think you look like a funky, androgynous hipster, but you don’t. You look like a gothic douchebag with no clue how to apply the $4 Maybelline eyeliner and mascara you just picked up at CVS.
Drag can be entertaining and funny, but not so much if you’re sporting a wig that looks like it was made out of Dolly Parton’s old pubic hair.
It’s 2009. Why is Lambert still sporting the 1992 “lesbian chic” half-shaved mullet with the bang combover?
No matter how lame you are, a few people will always like you just because they think it’s cool and edgy to do so. Even if you’re an overrated, minimally talented douchebag like Lambert, some tools will still idolize you and want to talk to you… not because you’re awesome, but because they developed an abnormal parasocial relationship with you while you were on TV.
I never thought I’d say these words, but I agree with Clay Aiken’s assessment of Lambert. After seeing his Ring Of Fire performance, Aiken called Lambert “contrived, awful, and slightly frightening.” He’s right. Still though, how much do you have to suck to get publicly dissed by nice guy CLAY AIKEN?! Sorry, Lambert, that’s comically sad.
There’s a time and a place for ornate, bedazzled shoulder bras. The time is never, and the place is on set of the latest Hellraiser movie.
So thank you, Adam, for teaching me all these valuable lessons. I’m forever indebted. Now I’ll go back to counting down the days until you’re out of my face. Luckily, that will happen sooner than later, because the American public has an attention span shorter than Jackie Chan’s penis after a 30 minute swim in frigid waters… leaving us Lambert haters to laugh and frolick whimsically as he fades off into a pool of shallow obscurity.
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